What an unexpected year!! To say the least. And not just for me, for the whole wide world. It started pretty usual with extreme Delhi winters and the juggling between office and home, playing the role of a working professional and a new mom. Vanya (my 1.5 year old toddler) got used to seeing her mom leave in the morning, waving her good-bye while being with grandparents and waiting to see her in the evening. It was the best moment of the day for me and if I may say for her as well when we re-united in the evening. I used to run from office as soon as I possibly could, just so I could be with my little one. Well, till march it was pretty routine, although there was news spreading all around about the COVID19 virus which eventually started impacting our lives too.
It thus began. The lockdown diaries as we may call it. It was all so new, unexpected and so uncertain. Each one of us had so many questions in mind, how long will it go, how will we manage office, household without domestic help, what next and the list goes on. As we started knowing more about the impact the pandemic is causing to people in India and across the world, it was so heart-wrenching. Watching migrants travel on foot for days, people getting unemployed, businesses getting shut, a sense of gratefulness was all we could feel. We felt grateful to God for blessing us with so much: a shelter on our head, family by our side, jobs that were intact and safety above all.
Pandemic taught us so much. It was a struggle to manage chores (which earlier was handled majorly by domestic help), working from home and taking care of our little one. It was a test of our patience both physical and mental. But to look at the pros, it gave us quality family time, inspired the chef in many of us, and the biggest blessing in disguise was to not leave Vanya for work. I could be with her all day long, in different rooms for majority of the day but well, she was just a room away when I needed a little dose of cuddle. Trust me when I say it, for working parents, nothing makes them happier than the time spent with their little one.
We then planned to travel to our hometown in May since it felt like the lockdown will stay put and work from home would continue for at least few more weeks. The weeks that we thought turned into months and it gave us an opportunity to stay with the family like never before. It was a perfect environment for Vanya to be around her grandparents both paternal and maternal, uncle aunt and of course mum dad. I have always wished for this upbringing for my child. To be able to spend time with the family in her home-town specially during the initial few years.
Few good things I did during lockdown with some spare time in hand was learning to drive a car (this was long overdue), bake cakes (like coffee cake, wheat cake with a tinge of cinnamon, basic egg maida cake and a fancy zebra cake for Vanya’s first bday), watch endless tv series and movies during the ‘Me time’ post putting Vanya to sleep. Also, lockdown gave us an opportunity to celebrate festivals and birthdays with family. We didn’t have to choose between Karvachauth or Diwali to be spent with family like we did in the past few years while planning our leaves to travel to hometown. A feeling of gratefulness constantly prevailed during this year despite all challenges bestowed by the pandemic.
And just when we thought, this year was not that bad after all, it came to a tragic end. It took away our beloved Nanima, Vanya’s badi Nani with it. Is it unfair to say we were not prepared because no one ever is… to lose someone so close to you?And it all happened in a matter of 15 days.
The last 15–20 days before it all ended were so exhausting for all of us. The endless trips to the hospital, managing home and work, not being able to sleep well and the biggest of all was watching her suffer and bear all that she was going through. For those who don’t know her and have not met her, she was a super-woman. A go-getter, who lived life on her own terms. But time had slowly and steadily took her strength away both physically and mentally. She suffered from dementia, a state of partial memory loss coupled with other issues. There were times when she couldn’t recollect our names, the same house that she built with her own hands, the place she was staying in, and to see her like that was overwhelming. It made me laugh and cry at the same time. Laugh at the innocence with which she asked the same question for the nth time and cry at the state of a person who once was the brightest Star.
These lines from ‘Life of Pi’ have always touched my heart but it felt so relatable that day. “I suppose in the end, the whole of life becomes an act of letting go, but what always hurts the most is not taking a moment to say goodbye”. Letting her go was not easy. And it left behind so many “what-ifs”. What if we took her to a different hospital, what if we admitted her a day before. But deep down we know, it was time for her to say good-bye to us and pour her love and blessings from the world unknown. She had ample love to offer, enough for all and that I am sure will always stay with us. At least I am glad we could be with her for the last six months, Vanya could be with her badi nani and play with her. Well, Vanya still feels she has gone to get an injection since that’s what I told her when she was taken to the hospital the first time!!
